bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
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Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.