Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
There are no pants in heaven.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: