I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Sooo many times…..
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.