dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
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*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?