I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?