Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
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I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
based al yankovic
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”