my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
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“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
craving $300 all of a sudden
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT