Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.