Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.