Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
You Might Also Like
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Happy weekend !
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
let’s discuss
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”