“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
You Might Also Like
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I finally found a reason to live again.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
damn he’s good
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
🤔😂😂
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Not today, today.
Not today.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”