PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
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I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents