If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
definitely did not do anything wrong
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical