I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.