“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*