An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone