She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
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Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
sensitive skin
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.