I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.