ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.