A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
#winning
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.