Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
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Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.