[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
🤣😂
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.