Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
couldn’t resist
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.