Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Print is alive and well!!!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
man: wait
time: no