[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.