I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’ll be mad as hell!
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
crazy
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.