The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
was Jim off killing horses or…
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.