Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
A family that plays together cheats.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
May never get over this
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.