If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.