Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.