I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Google Pay be like:
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.