Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
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Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
A short story about romance.
Pass gas, not judgment.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”