Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Netflix and you sit over there.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.