Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!