ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
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A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
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