23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler