my dad when a sex scene comes on
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Woke up with morning Yule Log
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.