Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
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contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.