When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.