Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
The two types of wives
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!