When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
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(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.