My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
You Might Also Like
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot