In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.