As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.