These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
…żyje?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I WON A HAM TODAY
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail