I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
thanksgiving should be called feaster
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.