“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
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[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I’m sorry…what?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.