i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
It’s an epidemic…
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse