*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
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The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
He wanted to make sure😂
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…