me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
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Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Seals are just dog mermaids.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.